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1. Steven Segal is going to try a music career. He says he's only
going to play what's in his head....: rock music.
2. I love how religious these people get when they win: "I want to thank
God for making my song, 'Slap That Bitch Up the Side of the Head' Number
One!" You think God's pulling for Marilyn Manson's "Burn in Hell" CD?
3. You know what a red flag is to the IRS? If you have money left over
in your bank accounts after taxes.
4. Now when you pull into a gas station, there are two guys to assist
you: the attendant and the loan officer.
5. You want to show Mom you love her? Get her a full tank of gas. Financing
is available.
6. It was so hot in Texas, George W. Bush's silver spoon actually burned
his tongue.
7. Some happy news. Erik Menendez got married over the weekend in a Sacramento
prison. His parents must be so prou-ohhh... I think it was a shotgun wedding.
8. Linda Tripp just spend $30.000 for her plastic surgery. That is one
expensive Veterinary.
9. You know, in Alaska, it's illegal to give an alcoholic beverage to
a moose. How lonely are the guys up there? How bad off are you that you've
got to get the moose drunk first?
10. OJ Simpson said in an interview last week that he's still trying
to bring the killers of his ex-wife, Nicole, to justice. Hey OJ, forget
about it. We tried that once. It didn't work.
11. O.J. is still fighting the judgement against him by Fred Goldman
for $32-1/2 million. He was in court again last Wednesday and he said to
the judge, "I can't pay this. I'm a murderer, not a thief!"
12. George W. Bush says if elected he'll make trade with Central America
a priortiy. Officials in Colombia think this is great because Bush did
a lot of businesss with them in the '70s.
13. Last year was the 40th anniversary of the most effective birth-control
device in history. The TV remote control.
14. A survey of 1,000 people says that Southerners are more sexually
active than any other region in the country. That's make sence... they
have more farm animals.
15. Anybody know what's going on this Saturday in Louisville Kentucky?
The Breeders Cup... which I think President Clinton won last year.
16. This Iraqi crisis is causing a real problem over at CBS News, like
Mike Wallace keeps calling it Mesopotamia.
17. I thought Monica Lewinsky's voice would be a little huskier... you
know, after being around all those cigars all day long!
18. Earlier tonight, President Clinton pardoned the White House turkey.
The turkey's going to a petting zoo... I thought the White House WAS a
petting zoo!
19. It looks like Exxon is going to buy Mobil Oil. They say their goal
is to create the largest chain of filthy restrooms in the world.
20. Linda Tripp told Monica Lewinsky in one of their phone conversations
that she hadn't had sex in seven years! Oh, yeah! Like it's her choice!
That means at some point, some guy got drunker than any man in history!
21 The number one movie in the country continues to be "A Bug's Life."
In fact, it is so popular, Motel 6 is now advertising, "Movie stars right
in your room!"
22 Gary Coleman is on trial, accused of punching a woman who asked him
for an autograph. Today the judge ordered the woman to undergo a psychiatric
exam to find out why the hell she was asking Gary Coleman for an autograph.
23. In Cuba the Communist Party will once again allow Christmas to be
celebrated there after banning it for 30 years. So if you find yourself
shopping for a Christmas gift for someone in Cuba, you can't go wrong with
a rubber raft.
24. Clinton had reporters worried this afternoon when he missed his 3:00
apology.
25. Over the weekend President Clinton did his Christmas shopping. One
of the gifts he bought was a mask for Hillary. Not a good sign... it was
a Monica Lewinsky mask.
26. Well, it's New Year's Eve... or as Boris Yeltsin calls it... Thursday!
Yeah!
27. It was this week in 1914 that Henry Ford adopted a minimum wage of
$5.00 a day for his workers. Today in his honor, Nike said, "Well... okay,
we'll match it."
28. Hillary Clinton has a bad back. Well, at least this is ONE thing
nobody can blame Clinton for! Finally!
29. DNA tests have proven that Clinton did not father a child with that
prostitute. Clinton is very upset with this woman; he not only wants an
apology, he wants a refund!
30. The first day of Quayle season has opened. Dan Quayle announced he's
running for president. He said he has not only not committed adultery,
he can't even spell it.
31. Dan Quayle will be running for President of the United States. Quayle
said today if he doesn't get the Republican nomination in the year 2000,
he will run again in 4 years in the year 6000.
32. What should be hilarious about the Monica/Barbara interview is getting
to hear Barbara Walters trying to pronounce "Owal Intewcouwse..."
33. Monica Lewinsky is going to attend the Oscars on Sunday... and why
shouldn't she? She is certainly responsible for one of last year's most
talked-about releases.
34. Last year at this time the only problem Clinton had with China is
Hillary throwing it at him.
35. Today President Clinton held his first press conference in a year.
He said it felt odd answering questions without being sworn in first.
36. At the Academy Awards, Robert Benigni sure was wound up! He said
he wanted to make love with every member of the Academy. Well, that's nothing,
every actor in this town has tried that.
37. Al Gore took off his suit jacket and tie while campaigning yesterday.
This was a shock for his wife Tipper. He doesn't even do that during sex!
38. McDonald's is coming out with a new mega-burger: 4 patties, 790 calories,
41 grams of fat! Now McDonald's has a complete menu: The Breakfast Meal,
The Happy Meal and the Last Meal.
39. This is the coldest April on record in L.A. In fact, it was so cold
last night Rodney King got pulled over by the ski patrol.
40. The cold weather is dangerous for women in particular in this town.At
this low temperature, silicon freezes.
41. Pamela Anderson Lee had a first today: a guy looked her in the eye
(she had her breast implants removed).
42. Did you see the new Linda Tripp doll out on the market? It's a talking
doll. Of course, it talks behind your back.
43. The weather was so bad in Washington that Bob Dole was taking Viagra
so rescuers could spot him in the snow.
44. The new Star Wars action figures are out--plastic figures that actually
talk to each other. That's nothing new; I think we've had those for years
on Melrose Place.
45. In a disclaimer, they said none of the animals were harmed in the
making of "Noah's Ark." None of them were harmed, but their careers were
ruined!
46. Amy Fisher was let out of jail. Her lawyer said she's already got
a job lined up in fashion. She's going to design bulletproof hats.
47. U.S. war planes bombed Northern Iraq. Here's the scary part: They
thought it was Yugoslavia.
48. It's George Lucas' birthday...if you're looking for a gift for him,
in a few days he'll need a bigger wallet.
49. The Star Wars opening is kind of like New Year's Eve for geeks.
50. It was so hot, the guys in line for Star Wars were complaining their
retainers were melting.
A Pennsylvania man is suing God. He blamed God for losing his job. The
case was thrown out because God does not have access to legal counsel.
There are no lawyers in heaven.
Well, let's see what's going on at the Los Alamos Nuclear Lab....or as
they now call it, "Chinese takeout."
Clinton is now attacking Hollywood. Well, sure, it's not an election
year! Washington holding Hollywood accountable?! That's like Sodom checking
up on Gomorrah.
A 14-year-old girl from Florida has won the national spelling bee and
today Dan Quayle has named her as his running mate.
Today Jerry Springer testified before Chicago's City Council. The big
issue is whether the fights on his show are real or fake. I hope they're
real! Wouldn't it be horrible if those morons on his show weren't actually
getting punched in the mouth?
It was so hot in Washington today Chinese spies were stealing secrets
from Ben & Jerry's.
Jack Daniels has got a new magazine campaign ad: "At some point, you
just know who you are." Yeah... I think that point is when you say, "Hello,
I'm Bill... and I'm an alcoholic."
We have a real ass problem - we've got Bill Bradley kicking it, Al Gore
kissing it and Bill Clinton fondling it.
Prince Edward of England got married so, sorry guys, he's taken!
Bill Gates is the richest man in the world, his dog is number five. He
has over 10 million dollars in change sitting on his nightstand.
The railroad serial killer is out there on the loose; and because he
travels by Amtrak, they believe he may also be suicidal.
The most favorite activity of nudists: volleyball. The least favorite:
dodge ball.
They finally got the serial killer! Yep! A Miami jury convicted Joe
Camel.
The flooding in Las Vegas was so bad, Ziegfried was using Roy as a flotation
device.
Hillary Clinton is continuing her "listening tour" of New York. They
say Hillary is an inspiration to young women. More than that; she's an
inspiration to a lot of middle-aged men. She's proven that you can have
affairs, date 23-year-olds and not get dragged into divorce court.
It was so hot, McDonald's coffee qualified as a cold drink.
There's one scene in "Eyes Wide Shut" where Tom Cruise ends up in an
orgy with dozens of women who want to be satisfied. See, that's the movie
they ought to call "Mission Impossible."
They're naming a street after President Clinton in Little Rock, Arkansas.
Man! That'll be a slippery street!
Thirty years ago people were watching the Wild, Wild West and calling
the president Tricky Dick. Boy! Nothing has changed!
President Clinton said when he leaves the White House he may run for
some other office! How 'bout that? Apparently his ultimate goal is to get
impeached at every level of government.
If a college student is looking for a degree in philosophy, Starbuck's
is opening 600 more stores.
Back east it's so hot people are sweating like Dan Quayle trying to do
a crossword puzzle.
There's a rumor flying around that George W. Bush may have done cocaine
at one time in his life. He got really angry and lashed out: "There is
not one kilo of truth to this rumor! There is not one gram of evidence!"
There are more rumors that George W. Bush may have used cocaine. Last
week at a fundraiser, he shook 11,000 hands in 32 seconds.
Hillary blamed all of Bill's problems on a troubled childhood. In fact,
when he heard that, Clinton said, "She bought it! Yes!"
Today President Clinton said he was so traumatized by the forest fires
seen in "Bambi," he's going to need at least 3 more affairs just to get
over that.
The main difference between Nixon and Watergate and the Clinton scandal
is that Nixon didn't like Deep Throat.
We were wondering if Al Gore has ever done drugs. I think we can rule
out speed.
George W. Bush came out today for mandatory drug testing. He said he
is for it; in fact, he said "Any drug you have, bring it by and I will
test it."
They said Newt was seen holding hands with the woman who was described
as 33 years old, pretty and really really really nearsighted.
It was so hot today, people were thinking of Larry King in a Speedo just
for the cold chill it would send down their spines!
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